May 11, 2014

Being Mom

Becoming a mom was one of the hardest things I ever had to do. Also the most liberating. I had no idea what I had gotten myself into when I brought this little guy home. I had a serious case of postpartum but I didn't know it. I just thought my life was over. 

I traveled through my twenties knowing that one day I would try to have a baby. It wasn't top priority for me, or my husband at the time, but I knew that I did want to have children. I thought I would have two or three maybe. 

At 29 I gave birth to my son. I had him at the hospital with an epidural. I never really wanted to do a natural birth so I was ok with the epidural. I really don't think I would've done it any differently either. My ob-gyn that I had been seeing for years was the one that delivered Riley so I was very comfortable. I actually slept a lot during my labor. I remember them waking me up when it was time to push and for 30 was the worst. 

Then reality slowly started to creep in.

I was nervous at the hospital when they left him in my room that night. Don't get me wrong, I was overjoyed to see my son, hold him and I nursed him too. He was beautiful. I doubted MYSELF. Not him. 

The panic and the anxiety got worse when I got home from the hospital a few days later. I had never even changed a diaper before. I didn't know what to do with myself. My husband at the time was helpful but he was just as a new at all of it as I was. My mom started to come over after a few weeks of me feeling overwhelmed, scared and fretful. She would come over in the morning and I would get some sleep while she had baby duty. A true blessing from God was what she was.

Slowly, I became better but in some ways became worse. I masked my postpartum with alcohol. In all honesty I didn't deal with my alcoholism until just 2 years ago. My son is 7. It was my crutch and it was my way that I made it through the week sometimes just the day.

When I hear talk about mom's, mother's day, this and that I sometimes beat myself up a bit because I didn't jump into motherhood with both feet. I didn't run out of the gate all smiles and ready to rock. It's taken me time to get to where I am. Thank God for blessing me with a son that is healthy and very well adjusted. I hope I'm a good mom. I try to be a good mom. I am better now and I know more about myself.

I became bolder and more sure of myself after I became a mother. I didn't cower in the corner anymore by what anyone said or did to me. I kind of found my spinal cord so to speak. I spoke up for myself and I took more control over me, myself and I.

Becoming a mom was a life changer for me. For the good. Definitely. This little guy has taught me so much and I know he will continue to do so. 

This lady (my mom) has been with me through it all. I couldn't have done it without her. Here she is holding my son.

Thanks mom for just basically being there for me 24/7. I now know what it means to love someone more than yourself.


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