May 26, 2010

Just a Random Wednesday

Does anyone still dot their i's with a circle? I remember when that used to be a tale-tale sign for the most popular girl in school or anyone in her entourage. They always did that with their i's. I never really got the hang of it. Sometimes I would go through short spurts where I would try to change my handwriting slightly. Just angle it a little differently. Or hold my pen more upright. Just to see how much cooler it could be if that was the way I wrote. Put some distinction in it. Brand it. But, alas, my inner penmanship creeps back out- unwilling to let go. It's just natural. It's what's in my brain that travels down through my hands. I mean, of course you could permanently change your handwriting. If you really wanted to. If you really needed to. Maybe if you were caught in a legal matter that required you to throw off a paper trail. But really, my penmanship is my own. It's pretty normal, pretty ordinary.

In other thoughts, I wore lavender today and feel like a cast member of the Golden Girls. Not even Blanche. I'm not even that cool. But, hey, look at Betty White now! Hosting SNL and all. She really showed those hags!

Right now I am wrapping up work and getting ready to head to the gym. There I will force myself to climb on the treadmill, growl and grumble and watch women kick punching bags like they're pinatas full of chocolate diamonds. Since that recent volcano of self pity exploded I have really jumped on the wagon. Balls to the wall! Hell bent!'s only been 3 days and that's pretty damn good in my book.

May 24, 2010

What a lunch break

At first I couldn't decide if I should cry or slice her lips off with my debit card. I have known for a while that this might happen. I have felt the fear creeping up inside of me. I knew this was going to happen. I just never really quite got myself prepared for it.

"When are you due?", the store clerk asks me.

"Um, last time I checked I'm not due for anything but some back taxes." I start to say. Then, it hits me. Wait a mean?... (scratching my head waiting for my brain to start working)... Are you asking me...Like...

"Do you I PREGNANT when am I due due?"

Ohhhhhh...damn. Nope, not me. Just fat. Really, just fat. Thanks for asking.

I remain there in total embarrassment because the other 6 women at the counter and waiting in line just kind of stand there in amazement. It was different than them just standing in line. Its like they were standing there but trying not to get sucked into the black, stinky quicksand that was forming a large frothy pit next to them. The silence was deafening. No one said a word. I was dumbfounded. They, on the other hand, were probably thinking the same thing that clerk did just knowing that you are never suppose to ask that question. Ever. I couldn't quite find my words. And of course, start thinking about my words as soon as I left the store. No longer did I want to tear her face off. I wanted to tear my own face off. I wanted to go somewhere safe and cry my eyes out. Now! I was so embarrassed and so devastated. How did I let it get this bad? How did I get this out of shape enough for someone to question whether a human being was growing in my belly?

I did, however, want to offer her a wee small tiny bit of advice. Do not, under any circumstance do you EVER ask a woman that question. Never. If you're brain is cooking it up and its sending the signal down to your tongue that you MIGHT need to ask that question, then just roll up your tongue and take a bite out of it. No need...there is no need. Even if she is carrying around baby socks, 10 boxes of diapers, a book on breastfeeding and a bucket of diaper rash ointment, stay away from that question. If the baby is coming out of the womb, then yes. You can say, "Wow! You're due today!" Other than that, the air is too foggy to tell.

What a lunch break. Lucky for me, and little did she know, I had already started a new regimen this week. Joined a gym, had yogurt for breakfast and was headed to Subway for lunch. Puffy red eyes and all!

May 21, 2010

Gallery - Oil Slick

Some things just never seem to mix. Like oil and water.
More disturbing oil spill photos:

May 18, 2010


Look who showed up this week! Sickness. It's not that good to see you! There he is in all his glory. Destined to shake up a normal weekend and morph it into something like this..."!...I can't answer the phone...ouch, my ribcage hurts from coughing...ouch...I can't swallow...did I already take a dose of that?..." It started Friday morning. I woke up with a scratchy throat and just dismissed it as some silly little throat dryness. Like, maybe I let the fan blow on my face too much or something. Ignorance!
By Friday night I was a sweaty, slithery mess. Slept...oh...1 to 2 hours maybe. I was ready for Saturday morning to come because that meant the NextCare down below my apartment was going to open. They opened at 8 am and I was waiting in the parking lot at 7:58. I didn't have to wait long. I don't think they wanted me to. I looked like death and smelled worse. The tall, slender, athletic nurse swabbed my throat. I tried really hard not to chuck all over her. Then she told me, "There's the remote. The doctor will be in to let you know the results." I looked at the remote and thought about turning the tv on but realized it would be up to me to turn it off. And to find something that would be quasi-normal so that when the doc came in it wouldn't be some Oprah spin off blaring "And THEN he told me that my ass was too big! Girrrl!"

The doc walks in and says "Welcome to Strep Throat World!" I wondered if he practiced that for such a moment. He looked thrilled with himself. Needless to say, I got penicillin and was told to gargle with saltwater - does a dirty martini count?- and get plenty of rest.

Saturday was ok, but Sunday kicked my ass. I got WAY too hot at a family reunion lunch thingie that was at a house with no A/C and the oven on - been on all morning - cooking lots and lots and lots of food. About 25 people piled high in the living/kitchen/dining room. At one point I took it upon myself to go searching throughout their house for anything I could use to fan myself. I found an AARP magazine and thought it was probably the best I was going to find.

Later that evening while I was lying in bed, I think I was delusional or hallucinating or whatever it is when you are feverish and sick. I thought I saw red glowing eyes in the dark. Then I realized that I was probably just having a flash back from all those Stephen King novels I read in my early twenties. I thought about swallowing a cough drop just so it would coat my entire throat but realized it would've just made me choke and probably cough more. "Just taser me with your taser eyes you red eyed thing" I thought to myself.

I didn't go to work on Monday. Instead, I went to Blockbuster. I was sick and I wanted a movie. Not just any movie. I wanted Saturday Night Fever. That's why I couldn't go to RedBox. As I was checking out, the Blockbuster Guy was spastically like "Do you want a rewards card-something-something?" Oh god, I thought. I really just want to rent this movie and dash. Don't make me go through all of this. Please. No! God! I was totally NOT wanting to do any talking. I just wanted my movie. I said "No." He repeats and adds "Are you sure? I can save you approximately $10 million dollars-or maybe it was just $10 dollars- if you just sign up right now."

I tried really hard not to get frustrated with him.

I put my hand over my eyes and rubbed really hard.

"No,! BLAAAAH!" The thought crossed my mind to jump over the counter, slide it across the magnetic magical code remover thing, throw a $10 at him and bolt. But I didn't. AND I didn't even want to go into the whole argument of "I DON'T COME TO BLOCKBUSTER BECAUSE YOU CHARGE WAY TOO DAMN MUCH WHEN I CAN JUST GET IT AT REDBOX". But I didn't. See, he had the movie I wanted. He had Saturday Night Fever. And I was his bitch.

He got the vibe I that I desperately was trying to stuff waaaay way down and finally just let me off the hook. He made a wise choice. I am better today and am able to write this post. I know, I know. You were waiting all day on this. Sweetie pies you are!

May 13, 2010

"P" is for Procrasti-facination

Why does it take me forever and a day to get around to doing something? Uploading pictures, grocery store, painting, planting...whatever! Just seems like I have to give myself about 3 to 5 days to get ready to think about doing something. I'm a pretty good procrastinator. I mean - damn good. I should teach a course, right? Yeah, well the punchline to that is I would never get around to it. Bad. I know that was bad.

Now that the Prez is no longer in town I am torn between what to do with my free time. I spent most of that weekend standing in alleys, peeping through windows, and generally eavesdropping on other curious Prez-stalker conversations to see if I could snag a clue as to where he was going to eat. Obviously I didn't have the inside scoop like everyone else did that was eating beside him, driving beside him or generally acting smart and being in the right place at the right time. So now I am back to planning things I would like to do. Like painting that amateur interpretation of Van Gogh Starry Night to hang on my bathroom wall, planting my spinach seeds, putting a collage together of Riley's 1st beach trip, joining a gym, getting my car inspected and then being able to renew my tag. Yippie! That last one is always a fave. It's as about as annoying as when the elastic at the top of your pants/skirt gets twisted underneath the fabric and you can't get it to lay flat because you can't get your damn fingers inside of the illusive elastic fabric tunnel! So you end up trying to come up with what you think is this ingenious way of trying to straighten it out by carefully getting your fingers around a piece of the invisible elastic and with nervous eyes and a strong jaw begin following it along until you feel the dreaded twist. There it is! Damn you! Then, like and old blind Chinese sage, working it like you are some kind of ancient braille expert trying your hardest to get it to give up the twists and turns and lay calmly...easy does it. Crap! It never works. That elastic band is resistant to being straightened out, however, becomes an overzealous slut when it comes to being twisted.

The plan for today will be to try to take a goal and get it accomplished. Maybe start with a task here at work? Ok. I'll try that. I will start with going to get another cup of coffee first.

May 11, 2010

Bruised Ego

I have never known myself to be clumsy but, unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to go ahead and put that down on the list as one of my traits.

I woke up in Riley's toddler bed at about 10pm last night after trying desperately to get him to sleep by rubbing his back - what he calls "petting me" - and carefully rolled by big ass out; trying very hard to be as quiet as a whisper. I was pretty successful. I know the sight of me stealthily crawling out of a tiny toddler bed in the middle of the night has got to be a real piece of humor. Defying gravity and creating stretched positions that I didn't even know I could fit into. Toddler bed hot yoga.

After the shoulder roll to the right, I pop to my feet or more like creak to my feet and head to the bathroom to release my feeble bladder like the old woman I am. I don't usually turn any lights on when I go potty in the middle of the night, I just kind of do this back up my butt thing to the toilet seat and hover until I know I am in the right part of the room. I don't live with a man so I know the seat is safe. Well, I take that back. Occasionally a random tub toy might make its way over. I normally just step on those - that are the most spiky and weird shaped- causing my whole foot to go numb for 30 seconds.

I finish up and head down the stairs. Only to find out that my feet are no longer under me but sticking straight up in the air and my ass is heading down to the step like a lead balloon. I hit hard. So hard I thought I might have cracked my tail bone or bruised it or whatever you can possibly do to that thing. I landed on my left elbow as well and that went numb for a bit. The worst part was the immediate headache I got. I literally felt like there were stars circling my head and I shook it like that would make them go away. It kind of worked. The whole 10 seconds that it took me to actually make contact with the ground I was thinking of all kinds of things.

Like, "How am I going to get to the emergency room if I break both my arms?"

"Did all the neighbors hear me or just the one to the left?"

"Did they think it was an earthquake?"

"Does anyone feel sorry for me or if my friends were here would they laugh?"

I got a lot of thinking going on while I was waiting for impact. And then when I did make contact I immediately stood up. Almost like I was doing that thing where you think if you get up fast enough no one knows what just happened? Well, no one did. No one was there. No one woke up. No one knocked on my door to check on me. No one cackled wildly, hunched over in hysterics. It was just me heading to the medicine cabinet for ibuprofen. I knew I was going to need that.

My ass hurts today.

It is actually difficult to perform my sedentary desk job. I refuse to acknowledge my clumsiness as well.

May 4, 2010

Asheville-Vandals Destroy Storefronts in Downtown Asheville

Disappointing. Vandalism is never really the best way to express yourself. Create art - don't destroy it.

May 3, 2010

Monday Detox

Today's rain and low temperatures has made the lack of A/C in the office pretty bearable. I was hoping that someone would bring bagels in today for breakfast. Nope. No go. Instead, I blew up my oatmeal in the microwave. I never can remember if its 3 minutes or 2. Obviously the 4 minutes that I tried to cook it ended in disappointment. For everyone.

Would you like an update on the weight loss I'm going for? Well, I was off to a good start but I can not quit drinking micro brews and that blows my diet. By the time the weekend comes I'm sucking down Abbey Ales, Gaelics and the most delicious beer in the world: Wedge Pilsner. After 2 or 3 of those I need food. I am not thinking about calories at this point. Just whatever has the most cheese or comes with hummus. I think I have been dieting for 3 months now and I am 1 pound lighter. Hooray! Who said this weight loss thing couldn't be done? Right!

I am addicted to platform sandals and tunic dresses at the moment. All colors and all designs. The fabric gets nice and flowy near the fanny. Perfect for a girl like me.

This new addiction should keep me off of food and booze for a while.