The Life of a Simpleton

***This is just me rambling so you may skip hop right over this if you fear you may fall asleep***

I have been battling a strong urge for years now to be a stay at home mom. I guess battling isn't really the right word because I want to, I just can't afford to quit work all together. Brian and I are working on becoming debt free with the hopes that I can really look at where God wants me to be and where I feel like I can make the most impact on my family, my friends, and to glorify Him. Lately, my desire to be more a proactive, productive Christian has grown of course. As I mentioned in this post, I did have a "come to Jesus" moment that renewed my spirit and basically gave my body a refreshing drink of all that good stuff.

Maybe it was the wedding, maybe it is the weather, maybe it's the fact that I made my son's kindergarten registration appointment but dang it if this week hasn't been the toughest of all. I struggled. I mean struggled to put one foot in front of the other Monday morning. And I'm not talking just the Monday blues and works sucks and all that jazz. I'm talking about being at work and seriously taking a look at myself and wondering what my family was doing, wishing I could be more of a provider on an emotional level with more TIME spent with them/on them. I have worked all of my life since I graduated. I'm an old lady (ok, I just feel like it) so I've been doing this song and dance for a while.

"So, you're just being lazy", says the Devil's Advocate. "Why don't you just make the most of the time that you do have with your family and just get the heck over it already. Sheesh. Need some cheese with that whine?"

Well, I can see how that opinion could come up. I am blessed. What the? Why am I not satisfied? Good Lord, I have lots of things to be thankful for and things could be 10 million times worse!!!!! Be thankful you have a job! Be thankful you have a house to live in! And to beat all, I'm talking about this on a blog where I post pictures of clothes and pretty little things to buy?
Yes. I hear myself saying those things. And I am blessed. I am thankful.

My desire is actually to live more simply. A Simpleton. Do I even know what that is?

Here is my idea. Feel free to correct me if I am wrong, Lord knows I am wrong a lot. I'm definitely not trying to be Holier Than Thou either. Just throwing it out there. Maybe you can give me some advice?

Get rid of one of the cars and carpool, cancel cable (I've lived longer without cable than I have with it so it wouldn't be a shock), grow my own food, make my own/family clothes, cut my own/family hair, and don't buy junk/crap/clothes/jewelry (already on a shopping ban and it can be done!), and make my own beauty supplies (soap, body oil, shampoo, conditioner, etc). The desire, the need to be the one that helps my son with his homework when he gets home, to be the one that meets him when he gets out of school, to make dinner without having to throw together the most speediest ingredients, to be able to enjoy bath time, to be able to listen to the teenagers up and downs, to read my Bible more, to read the Bible to my son, to be the ONE that is at the center of HOME is my "Life of a Simpleton" dream.

Why go here? Really?

I've been mostly consumed by this lately. I used to think about it and then the thought would drift away and I would get caught up in work or something that was going on over the weekend or God forbid, something on tv! But I can't shake it this time. It's with me all day. We had a picnic in the front yard last night and the boys played basketball. I held a four year old tightly for the last two nights because of his bad dreams and I'm glad to to say, we made it through unscathed. Life does and will go on. I'm not going to crumble and I'm not going to miss what little bit of hours I do get with my family per day. I will be fine.

I just know I can be more.

Pray for me :) I need it!