May 24, 2010

What a lunch break

At first I couldn't decide if I should cry or slice her lips off with my debit card. I have known for a while that this might happen. I have felt the fear creeping up inside of me. I knew this was going to happen. I just never really quite got myself prepared for it.

"When are you due?", the store clerk asks me.

"Um, last time I checked I'm not due for anything but some back taxes." I start to say. Then, it hits me. Wait a mean?... (scratching my head waiting for my brain to start working)... Are you asking me...Like...

"Do you I PREGNANT when am I due due?"

Ohhhhhh...damn. Nope, not me. Just fat. Really, just fat. Thanks for asking.

I remain there in total embarrassment because the other 6 women at the counter and waiting in line just kind of stand there in amazement. It was different than them just standing in line. Its like they were standing there but trying not to get sucked into the black, stinky quicksand that was forming a large frothy pit next to them. The silence was deafening. No one said a word. I was dumbfounded. They, on the other hand, were probably thinking the same thing that clerk did just knowing that you are never suppose to ask that question. Ever. I couldn't quite find my words. And of course, start thinking about my words as soon as I left the store. No longer did I want to tear her face off. I wanted to tear my own face off. I wanted to go somewhere safe and cry my eyes out. Now! I was so embarrassed and so devastated. How did I let it get this bad? How did I get this out of shape enough for someone to question whether a human being was growing in my belly?

I did, however, want to offer her a wee small tiny bit of advice. Do not, under any circumstance do you EVER ask a woman that question. Never. If you're brain is cooking it up and its sending the signal down to your tongue that you MIGHT need to ask that question, then just roll up your tongue and take a bite out of it. No need...there is no need. Even if she is carrying around baby socks, 10 boxes of diapers, a book on breastfeeding and a bucket of diaper rash ointment, stay away from that question. If the baby is coming out of the womb, then yes. You can say, "Wow! You're due today!" Other than that, the air is too foggy to tell.

What a lunch break. Lucky for me, and little did she know, I had already started a new regimen this week. Joined a gym, had yogurt for breakfast and was headed to Subway for lunch. Puffy red eyes and all!


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