May 11, 2010

Bruised Ego

I have never known myself to be clumsy but, unfortunately, I think I'm going to have to go ahead and put that down on the list as one of my traits.

I woke up in Riley's toddler bed at about 10pm last night after trying desperately to get him to sleep by rubbing his back - what he calls "petting me" - and carefully rolled by big ass out; trying very hard to be as quiet as a whisper. I was pretty successful. I know the sight of me stealthily crawling out of a tiny toddler bed in the middle of the night has got to be a real piece of humor. Defying gravity and creating stretched positions that I didn't even know I could fit into. Toddler bed hot yoga.

After the shoulder roll to the right, I pop to my feet or more like creak to my feet and head to the bathroom to release my feeble bladder like the old woman I am. I don't usually turn any lights on when I go potty in the middle of the night, I just kind of do this back up my butt thing to the toilet seat and hover until I know I am in the right part of the room. I don't live with a man so I know the seat is safe. Well, I take that back. Occasionally a random tub toy might make its way over. I normally just step on those - that are the most spiky and weird shaped- causing my whole foot to go numb for 30 seconds.

I finish up and head down the stairs. Only to find out that my feet are no longer under me but sticking straight up in the air and my ass is heading down to the step like a lead balloon. I hit hard. So hard I thought I might have cracked my tail bone or bruised it or whatever you can possibly do to that thing. I landed on my left elbow as well and that went numb for a bit. The worst part was the immediate headache I got. I literally felt like there were stars circling my head and I shook it like that would make them go away. It kind of worked. The whole 10 seconds that it took me to actually make contact with the ground I was thinking of all kinds of things.

Like, "How am I going to get to the emergency room if I break both my arms?"

"Did all the neighbors hear me or just the one to the left?"

"Did they think it was an earthquake?"

"Does anyone feel sorry for me or if my friends were here would they laugh?"

I got a lot of thinking going on while I was waiting for impact. And then when I did make contact I immediately stood up. Almost like I was doing that thing where you think if you get up fast enough no one knows what just happened? Well, no one did. No one was there. No one woke up. No one knocked on my door to check on me. No one cackled wildly, hunched over in hysterics. It was just me heading to the medicine cabinet for ibuprofen. I knew I was going to need that.

My ass hurts today.

It is actually difficult to perform my sedentary desk job. I refuse to acknowledge my clumsiness as well.


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