May 18, 2010


Look who showed up this week! Sickness. It's not that good to see you! There he is in all his glory. Destined to shake up a normal weekend and morph it into something like this..."!...I can't answer the phone...ouch, my ribcage hurts from coughing...ouch...I can't swallow...did I already take a dose of that?..." It started Friday morning. I woke up with a scratchy throat and just dismissed it as some silly little throat dryness. Like, maybe I let the fan blow on my face too much or something. Ignorance!
By Friday night I was a sweaty, slithery mess. Slept...oh...1 to 2 hours maybe. I was ready for Saturday morning to come because that meant the NextCare down below my apartment was going to open. They opened at 8 am and I was waiting in the parking lot at 7:58. I didn't have to wait long. I don't think they wanted me to. I looked like death and smelled worse. The tall, slender, athletic nurse swabbed my throat. I tried really hard not to chuck all over her. Then she told me, "There's the remote. The doctor will be in to let you know the results." I looked at the remote and thought about turning the tv on but realized it would be up to me to turn it off. And to find something that would be quasi-normal so that when the doc came in it wouldn't be some Oprah spin off blaring "And THEN he told me that my ass was too big! Girrrl!"

The doc walks in and says "Welcome to Strep Throat World!" I wondered if he practiced that for such a moment. He looked thrilled with himself. Needless to say, I got penicillin and was told to gargle with saltwater - does a dirty martini count?- and get plenty of rest.

Saturday was ok, but Sunday kicked my ass. I got WAY too hot at a family reunion lunch thingie that was at a house with no A/C and the oven on - been on all morning - cooking lots and lots and lots of food. About 25 people piled high in the living/kitchen/dining room. At one point I took it upon myself to go searching throughout their house for anything I could use to fan myself. I found an AARP magazine and thought it was probably the best I was going to find.

Later that evening while I was lying in bed, I think I was delusional or hallucinating or whatever it is when you are feverish and sick. I thought I saw red glowing eyes in the dark. Then I realized that I was probably just having a flash back from all those Stephen King novels I read in my early twenties. I thought about swallowing a cough drop just so it would coat my entire throat but realized it would've just made me choke and probably cough more. "Just taser me with your taser eyes you red eyed thing" I thought to myself.

I didn't go to work on Monday. Instead, I went to Blockbuster. I was sick and I wanted a movie. Not just any movie. I wanted Saturday Night Fever. That's why I couldn't go to RedBox. As I was checking out, the Blockbuster Guy was spastically like "Do you want a rewards card-something-something?" Oh god, I thought. I really just want to rent this movie and dash. Don't make me go through all of this. Please. No! God! I was totally NOT wanting to do any talking. I just wanted my movie. I said "No." He repeats and adds "Are you sure? I can save you approximately $10 million dollars-or maybe it was just $10 dollars- if you just sign up right now."

I tried really hard not to get frustrated with him.

I put my hand over my eyes and rubbed really hard.

"No,! BLAAAAH!" The thought crossed my mind to jump over the counter, slide it across the magnetic magical code remover thing, throw a $10 at him and bolt. But I didn't. AND I didn't even want to go into the whole argument of "I DON'T COME TO BLOCKBUSTER BECAUSE YOU CHARGE WAY TOO DAMN MUCH WHEN I CAN JUST GET IT AT REDBOX". But I didn't. See, he had the movie I wanted. He had Saturday Night Fever. And I was his bitch.

He got the vibe I that I desperately was trying to stuff waaaay way down and finally just let me off the hook. He made a wise choice. I am better today and am able to write this post. I know, I know. You were waiting all day on this. Sweetie pies you are!


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