One Girl's Update

My soul is old and a bit weary, I suppose.

Some of my most inward thinking comes at night right before I go to bed. I get reminiscent or melancholy perhaps. One of the things that always comes to mind is how long I have been working. Every weekday, except for vacations, (and when I had that horrible job that I called in sick as soon as I got my next sick day added, and the short times in between when when I was looking for work), I have worked since I graduated high school. 1996 - 2012. That's 16 years of getting up every day and going to work. Don't get me wrong - I am thankful I have a job. Obviously I couldn't live without one because I'm not independently wealthy or an heir to a family fortune. I have had a time in my life where I didn't have one and I was struggling, praying, worrying until I had my next one. But that ended up only being about 2 months without work. In the grand scheme of things it wasn't very long.

Have you ever had that feeling when your mind is just tired?

I think that is what is happening. I will be 34 in a few months. I have been divorced and remarried. I have one child and one stepchild. I work 40 hours a week as a payroll manager for a group of allergists. This is where I am.

I don't know what I'm trying to say here. Maybe just rambling.

Life Lately

     I have been experiencing some exciting changes in my life. I know this little blog is usually a showcase for fashion, recipes, my kid's face, and fun, sometimes silly, stuff. But it really is my daily journal (that I share with the world - weird!) so I thought I would get a little real today.
     I grew up in a Christian home. Probably didn't appreciate it very much in my teenage years but it did give me a good foundation for choices I was going to make in my life. Did I make good choices? I would say the majority of my choices were ok but I made some big time mistakes. I was really struggling Sunday morning with those big time mistakes and how they haunt my memory. I am working on really being able to release those memories, through God's help, of course.
     It is just really amazing to me when I look at where I came from and where I am now. I am in awe that I have made it this far! I was risky. I gambled a few times. I don't want to go into too many details since this is the internet - hello! But I do want to praise God for not letting me go. He was, and is, that good friend that will keep calling you even after you've let the machine get it time after time. He will send you flowers for no reason at all other than He loves you. He's is NOT that frenemy that will remind you of all the times you've screwed up and what you owe them. He bakes you cookies and leaves them on your doorstep with a little note that says, "Just thinking about you! Call me soon. I look forward to talking to you." Used to, I would scarf down all those delicious cookies and never call Him back. But you know what? He's not angry that I ditched him more times than I can count. Other friends would've just deleted me off of facebook. He is glad I finally called Him! He's glad!
     I am so ready to start this chapter of my life. I feel so light! I don't feel that heavy burden anymore. It's unbelievable because I was so so so resistant. I mean re.sis.tant. Can I make that any clearer? I really did try to do all these other things to see if I could finally be happy. And the funny part was that I would always wonder why I wasn't finally happy. Like it was some kind of a big mystery or something. Ha! I laugh at myself. I love myself! I love myself now. Thanks to Jesus.

Ya'll have a great day!!!!!!!

Jessica

photo source

new year

...Into the past, this flyspeck we call now

Be our true habitat? The present is

The leaky palm of water that we skim

From the swift, silent river slipping by.

The new year always brings us what we want

Simply by bringing us along—to see

A calendar with every day uncrossed,

A field of snow without a single footprint.

 

Excerpt from "New Year's" by Dana Gioia, from Interrogations at Noon. © Graywolf Press, 2001

 

 

I heard this poem being read this morning on the radio and it really struck me - especially about the part where the new year is a "calendar with every day uncrossed". Each day is an opportunity. I don't want to get all sappy and on a soap box about blah blah every minute and blah blah be happy all the time. It's more about experiencing your day. As a whole. I don't have to feel pressured to treasure every minute but I do need to LEARN and GROW from my DAYS. Because my days are numbered. I get reminded of this a lot when I am around my son. Especially when he is hugging me and telling me he loves me just out of the clear blue. A little thought sometimes pops in my head and tells me that one day, he will be an adult and won't be able to fit in my lap and may forget to tell me he loves me for months on end. That's the little moments. I don't necessarily need to cherish when I go to the coffee pot at work to get a refill. So that old "treasure each and every moment" is too much. Too much pressure. Too much to do. Makes me feel like I am failing. I prefer to look at the calendar, see the days are uncrossed, see the field of snow without a single footprint and begin the journey. This online journal is an outlet that has helped and is going to continue to help me document things that happen each day, things that don't, things that do, people that I love and people that love me. So hey, from me, to you and here's hoping you will have a great (althought sometimes stressful, crazy, uneventful, loving, intense, boring) day!!!